desperate for change

I have been going at this blog for about a month now. I am glad to have a few human readers. Some interesting observations so far:

• When I tell people I have a blog, the most skeptical of the bunch usually ask if it is a spam blog. I tell them no, but I wish I got a better comeback line. Like: “I have over 10,000 of readers and I can rally them for my personal army.”
• I look at the popularity of other blogs and get subscriber envy. Success is about putting in the time and effort, consistently.
• I started out with the intention to go daily, but after a while, I think that I would rather have quality posts, rather than quantity. I mean, who likes filler episodes anyways?

In a radical twist of fate, I have been employed again at a company that I used to work for (ironically right after my response to Working Dead). And yes it was might awkward trying to tell people where I’ve been since I left the last time – it is kind of like an exercise in what have I done in the last five years that is worth mentioning:

• I originally left to take “an offer I couldn’t refuse.” The offer did not make me rich beyond my wildest dreams unfortunately.
• I now have this extra piece of paper that says I am a Masters of sorts. I have access to alien technologies which don’t seem to help too much in my day-to-day work.
• I’ve acquired some ballroom dancing skills and picked up a random trophy in competition.
• I’ve vacationed in Europe and some US cities. Having visited Disneyland this summer of 2007, I can die happy now.
• I’ve entertained the idea of a Web 2.0 startup. Emphasis on entertained.
• I have a one month old blog.

Generally, if you don’t do long term planning with your life, you won’t have much to show for. I used to think that it is too hard. If I can pass on any word of advice to a younger version of myself: plan, dream big, and follow through; otherwise you will just end up going around in circles. As I have done to myself, in the most literal sense.

While my Odyssey seems to have been cut off at a critical point, I would say that I better be working with a regular paycheck, rather than getting really desperate for change (of the panhandling variety). Speaking of coins, I noticed that I seem to be getting more American coins in my Canadian change. In the old days, I used to do a victory dance for getting a fractional amount more value. These days, I look at the American coins and feel like I got ripped off.

Back to the change in employment status, I hope that it won’t slow me down too much in terms of delivering some quality posts.

I have been reading LifeReboot for quite a while now. If there is a decent blog devoted to being on an Odyssey, this would be one.

The latest post on the working dead struck a chord with many readers including myself. I am sure that there are some people that are satisfied with getting paid to do nothing. The fact of the matter is, if you are at any task or job where you have no feeling, passion or purpose, you are effectively a zombie. When managers give busywork to better manage the “doing nothing,” it actually makes things even worse.

Have I been a zombie? At various times and positions in my career yes. While the first couple of hours of sweet freedom is fine, there is really only so much web surfing and solitaire that you can do before you have to come face-to-face with the issue at hand. Wouldn’t it be more responsible to go to your manager or boss to let him know that you got some free time to deal with stuff? Oh yeah, there are actually stuff that you don’t want to do, or heaven forbid, the dreaded busywork. This is actually assuming that your manager is available to talk with you.

I think that the working dead who have internet access have a real opportunity to really make a difference at work or for themselves. I have embarked on secret skunkwork projects. I have bettered myself by learning new programming languages and tools. But unless you like doing research for a living, this is actually a tough way to pass the time.

Being a working dead zombie is very stressful for me. Part of me is screaming for freedom from the desk, to go to the beach or the library. Another part of me is trying to sooth emyself, reminding myself that keeping a low profile will get me yet another day closer to payday. Having contradictions in my head causes me stress.

Eventually, the thing to do would be to deal with the situation. This could mean: getting into a different position at the same company; finding a new job at a different company; going back to school; going on vacation; or going on a sabbatical. I have done all of these. The fact of the matter is, going on a sabbatical (mine was unofficial and unpaid) is the only one that did anything for me. At least I am honest with myself about wanting to do nothing for a while, instead of having the internal turmoil of getting paid to do nothing. More precisely, being on a sabbatical lets you really go after the things that you really want to do, rather than just being a zombie. Naturally, I am assuming that you are not a zombie in your spare time.

There have been much written about ways to find your passion in life. Steve Pavlina’s approach is not too bad, as described in “How to discover your life purpose in about 20 minutes.”

What essentially happens when you do this is you are excavating layers of your consciousness from the outside to as deep inside as possible, until you strike gold. I’ve tried this exercise at various times in my life with mixed results. Sometimes I come up with goals that I used to have when I was a young child, other times I end up with something that just isn’t so satisfactory. I think that the problem with me is that writing as a brain-digging tool is not really doing it for me.

So, what could we try instead? Well, this summer I had the fortune of landing an interesting job. Well, if you’ve known me for any length of time, you know that when I use the word “interesting,” I really mean to say odd-ball off-the-wall wacko.

Anyhow, the job is being an unskilled labourer flunkie, working under the supervision of a man who is renovating his house. The man in question is actually an old-coworker of mine, so he went easy on me; he used to be my manager so I am used to having him as my boss. The duties of the job is essentially: perform whatever task is required of me by my boss. Things include putting up insulation, ripping out parts of the house, moving heavy things around, and when there is nothing else left to do: digging in the backyard.

To be more specific, the digging was really filling in a ditch that has already been dug. Nevertheless, filling in the ditch required me to dig at the large mounds of previously dug dirt, and then filling up the ditch. For all intents and purposes, I am digging.

This was back in July, when the weather was sweltering hot. My allergies were killing me, but I wanted to give the work a decent effort anyways. I managed to get into “the zone” moving the piles of dirt around. I got into an amazing line of thoughts and questions: what would I rather be doing instead of digging? Was there something urgent that I really needed to be working on?

Well, yes. I wanted to learn to play Kermit’s rendition of Hurt. And I wanted to get my blog rolling.

I didn’t quit the gig right away after coming to this realization. But when I eventually quit, I did exactly what I set out to do.

The process that I went through was something like that of a certain prisoner of war. If you are not familiar with the story, this man spent his POW days by playing golf in his head. When he was finally released, the first thing he did was to hit the golf course to play the best game ever in his life.

While I wouldn’t say that I totally discovered my life purpose, I can say with satisfaction that I am one step closer. Maybe I should go back to digging to see what else I can come up with.

Digging image used under Creative Commons from: