desperate for change

Back in my undergrad philosophy class, we studied logic. A simple example is as follows:

Alfred is an engineer.
Engineers are sexy.
Therefore Alfred is sexy.

Naturally we can have more complicated examples. The idea behind propositional calculus is this: given a set of statements representing the premise, and a particular conclusion, we would then work through the calculus rules to see if the conclusion is supported by the premise. There is a simple mechanical system to work out the answer of “Yes, the conclusion is supported by the premises” or “No, the conclusion is not supported by the premises.”

Naturally, we proved the existence of God in one example. Then in an example immediately afterwards, proved the non-existence. You don’t need to be a philosopher to understand that this all comes down to the what premises you are starting with.

Propositional calculus is of course one way to model human knowledge and beliefs. In fact, humans brains as computing devices are amazing in that we can carry contradictions in our belief system yet still function relatively normally. I, however, argue that carrying contradictions can lead to stress in our lives.

Let me propose this relatively simple example of a young man, trying to make the decision to move out of his parent’s house. We start with the following set of beliefs:

I won’t be happy unless I move out.
Moving out will require me to rent.
Paying rent instead of paying mortgage is stupid.
Being stupid makes me unhappy.

And then we try to come up with conclusions that would lead the young man to happiness:

I will be happy when I move out.
I will be happy when I don’t move out.

Clearly, the young man will never be happy, as neither one of these conclusions are possible.

How about another recipe for unhappiness:

I won’t be happy if she doesn’t like me as a boyfriend.
She doesn’t like me as a boyfriend.

So what does this mean? In our quest for happiness, if we have a set of beliefs that cannot support the result that we desire, then we will not be able to accomplish them. Maybe there is some flaw in our brains that allow for contradictions, and still let us get the result that we want, but wouldn’t it be easier if we could just have beliefs that support our goals?

In life, you have to be willing to step outside of yourself and examine the reality of the situation, and then change the rules you have so that you have a chance at winning. The rules are what you decide them to be, and you can negotiate new rules if it is appropriate.

I came across this best of craigslist item quite a while ago. I reread it now and then to reflect on the wisdom and sanity of the author. This packs more punch per paragraph than any relationship book I’ve ever seen (bestseller books then to be a bit on the fluffy side, IMHO). While the intended audience for this craigslist post is clearly for men, women too will find themselves nodding at the amazing insight.

It wouldn’t do any justice to the original post if I am to summarize or even highlight the best parts of it. However, the one that I wished I had when I was younger was the last bit of advice:

Boring, nerdy guys who were dog meat at 15 can be studs at 35. … I never had a single date in high school. I had one girlfriend for a year in University. Ten years later I was beating women off with a stick.

While the delusional part of me want to believe that I am a stud and have always been, the humble rational part of me understands that I have really experienced some pretty drastic personal growth since the time I left university. Remember what I mentioned in my own classic post; always be working on improving yourself.

How to be remarkable is a timeless post by Seth Godin as mostly advice on how to stand out a bit more at your day job. Some of the advice lends itself naturally to dating and attraction.

Being remarkable gives you an advantage, not just in obvious results of better better at what you do. It leads to a snowballing effect of people noticing you and build up a mindshare of your remarkableness. Simply put: being remarkable makes you even more remarkable.

So what kinds of things would make you remarkable? Perhaps you have an amazing career. Or maybe you excel at your hobby. For some women, this means driving a certain type of car (but let’s really not go there, for niceness’s sake). Apparently, my thing is ballroom dancing. Heck, I am not up to Mark Cuban’s level of competitiveness, but I enjoy what I do a whole lot.

One thing I worry about with my blog is being too blah and average. I want to push hard to have something original. Something that is timeless and classic. Something remarkable.

You may be more familiar with the speed-seduction style of getting physical with a woman, you are probably wondering why shouldn’t everyone just embrace the sophisticated NLP driven technology? Softball theory just seems so old-school by comparison.

So today, I would like to simply ask the question? Is all this necessary? Why talk-talk-talk when all we want to do is just to get into bed with a woman? Certainly with enough drinks or hormones, it is bound to happen. Heck, with enough cash in the right part of the world, it can happen as often as you like.

I think Peck’s “The Road Less Traveled” has an interesting explanation of the phenomenon. We as humans growing up have ego boundaries. These boundaries can be looked at as our sphere of influence, as well as a forcefield to keep us from harm. When real love develops, it is an enlarging of our boundaries to include the ones we are developing a relationship with. When we are having sex without love (or even the uncontrollable hormonal act of merely falling in love), we are experiencing a “partial and temporary collapse” of our boundaries. Once the physical act is done and we have come to our senses, the boundaries will go back to the way it was and at that point, we will have the OMG-what-the-hell-happened moment.

While Peck appears rather harsh about the idea of falling in love, he speaks the truth: “Falling in love is effortless. … Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. Falling in love is not.”

What does the bases of softball accomplish, in terms of building a relationship? The conversation and discussion needed to “run the bases” are all about getting to know one another better. This ensures that what you are developing is not a bubble that would pop under duress. The taboo discussions of second base is an important mechanism in expanding your boundaries. If you cannot handle difficult conversations in a controlled setting, you are already in trouble.

A real relationship takes effort. Learn to run the bases and work at it.

The quotes and ideas come from the Falling in “Love” chapter of the Love section, of “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck.