desperate for change

Yesterday, I introduced the softball metaphor. While it gives you an idea of how the conversation should flow in order to escalate your level of connection, there are still various aspects of developing a relationship that I have not gotten into.

Specifically, how does one get “on base”? Well, you need to have a comfortable environment so that you can start such a conversation. You know, like, having a date over coffee or dinner. Again, understand that relationship development is really about getting comfortable with each other. The classical rule that first dates should be over coffee may or may not apply depending on your particular situation. It is really just about how you feel.

So how do you know when a girl or guy is interested in you? If you read my post about monitoring and logging, it is just a matter of paying attention to the language, body gestures and reaction that you are getting with your approach: a smile back at you; eye contact for slightly longer than normal; full attention as she listens to you talk; her initiating with questions when a line of conversation comes to a natural end; the emotion on her face; her subtly touching you as you talk. This subject is covered very well and a little google should give you even more ideas. God bless Google.

Classical openers to conversation are complements or questions to figure out if you have anything in common. I am assuming that you know how to start, but Google for “cocky funny” for even more ideas. Remember, what works for someone else might not work quite as well for you. My personal approach is classy gentleman, but I have used cocky-funny on occasion with excellent success.

So what if you like each other? Get the email, cell number or Facebook add. Make a date! Or if you want to play the advanced game, deliberately hold it off but still flirt with her (assuming she’s someone you see on a regular basis). Sometimes, it is good to just practice the pick-up for the sake of practice, even if you don’t expect it to lead to anything serious. You won’t get good at something just by reading about it on the internet; you have to really go out there and try.

I should caution that her showing interest towards you may not automatically mean that you’ve met the love of your life. Perhaps she is already taken but you are charming enough that she cannot help but be attracted. Perhaps she wants to recruit you for her cult. Perhaps she wants you to sign up for a Mastercard. Perhaps she is looking for a platonic guy friend. Maybe she is flirty with all guys by default.

Keep the ladder theory in mind as you do this. If you are already on the “Friend Ladder” as described by the Ladder Theory, then it is not going to go anywhere. If she cares about not hurting your feelings, she will let you know where you stand before things get too far. Another way to know that you are on the Friend Ladder is when you find yourself unable to get further in the softball escalation. The more straightforward way to finding out is just straight up asking, but that tips your hand too early and it could get awkward; it is a risky gambit for various reasons but we will save this for a future post. Then again, nothing wrong with a platonic relationship if that is the expectation (and usually should be the default expectation).

What should you do if she is not reciprocating? Recognize the situation; trying harder won’t work and will make you look desperate (of the creepy scary variety). Maybe you got some broccoli on your teeth or you’re not her type of guy. Maybe she likes your friend more. That’s the way love and life works. Learn from it; get over it; then, prepare yourself for the next attempt.

Tags: first base, ladder theory, softball

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 9th, 2007 at 12:34 am and is filed under Dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.