Why Talking Is Not Enough
There is trouble in paradise, I’m afraid. While I sure would like to say that life is all “genki-hunky-dory in love-love land,” getting along with our respective partners is not always the easiest thing to do.
I recently came across an interesting book: Why Talking Is Not Enough – 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage by Susan Page.
The title of the book caught my eye instantly. For a long time, I was of the belief that good communications between the wife and husband is enough to ensure the success of a marriage. Heck, shouldn’t the world’s problems be solvable with communications? Isn’t that the purpose of diplomats? If talking is all it takes to solve problems of the world, surely we would already be living in utopia and there shouldn’t be the number of unhappy relationships that we seem to have today.
Talking is not enough. Heck, most people haven’t really developed sufficiently good enough communications skills necessary to solve problems in the relationships.
Instead of just talking, the book introduces eight loving actions:
- Adopt a Spirit of Good Will
- Give Up Problem-Solving
- Act As If
- Practice Restraint
- Balance Giving and Taking
- Act on Your Own
- Practice Acceptance
- Practice Compassion
(And oh, trying to solve problems is not a good idea?!?!? Anyhow…)
There are so many lessons in the book that I would want to integrate into my own love life. The one that I could immediately benefit the most from is from the Practice Restraint chapter. I think that when someone starts off with a critical comment about something I do, I get automatically defensive. Getting defensive is the equivalent of holding one arm to cover yourself while wildly swinging your other arm to hit back. For a long time, I have thought that being verbally defensive is not really a bad thing, but it really is as bad as being the one who initiated the negative comments. Responding in a non-defensive way avoids the potential thermal-nuclear weapons escalation.
While the book has been written with a married couple in mind, the lessons included can also extend to your other interactions such as with your coworkers, friends and family. This book is a keeper and worth going back regularly to review and study.
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