For my dancing friends that read this blog, you may (or may not) have noticed my reduction in my dancing activity. I mean – there was a time when I was doing ballroom and/or going to salsa classes multiple times a week. Honestly, I was in a bit of a burnout of going so hard, nowhere fast.

In a way, it was starting to have a similar feel to my startup-attempts a while ago: a lot of grind and energy spent without much results or much to show for. I was starting to feel like a robot shuffling from class to class and not having as much fun as when I started.

I still enjoy the friendships that I have made throughout my dancing activities. And most absolutely, I will go out for the occasional social outing. I mean, aren’t you dying to go dancing at Robson Square this summer? However, I won’t be pushing myself just for the sake of pushing myself. I am just going to keep it fun for myself.

I mean, there are so many other things to try and do right?

“what’s wrong with a strictly platonic relationship? and so what if it leads to something more, if that’s what both parties want??”

There’s nothing wrong. And indeed if something more happens, it is a legitimate outcome of an initially platonic relationship. The tricky part, of course, is figuring out the “what both parties want” clause. This is basically managing each others’ expectations.

I came across yet another excellent article, this time from Psychology Today. The article talks about the challenges of having such a friendship; the first item on their list is “Defining the Relationship.” When a single guy indicates that he wishes to be “friends” with a single attractive female, there is a non-zero probability of the guy actually wanting something more than a platonic relationship. Ask any guy. Only when the friends get to know one another for a while and have an invested interest in maintaining the status-quo, then we will really be in an honestly legitimate platonic relationship.

My friend’s other question:

“do you sit down with every female friend you have and discuss your expectations/intentions?”

I think that myself personally, it has taken me a while to develop the emotional maturity to manage my own expectations as well as being able to more openly discuss these issues. But in a lot of cases, we typically don’t do a sit-down; we just go with an interpretation of the interactions. For example: are the interactions becoming more frequent and go more in-depth than usual; are there deliberate efforts to get together; are there flirtatious innuendos? These are all hints and desires of the friends wanting to take it to the next level. I think that people’s interpretation of “friendlier than average” vary quite a lot especially in our multicultural society. It is important to normalize interactions in light of a person’s background and operational parameters.

But back to the question – in all the times that a sit-down or the equivalent happens, I am grateful for the clarity and the honesty. (This typically is initiated by the female friend who notices that my expectations are starting to get out of wack.) It is one thing to rationally try to manage one’s own feelings and try to keep things under control; however, we are only human, aren’t we?

In the ever-classy Urban Dictionary, the platonic friend is, shall we say, something we break out of a glass jar in case of emergency. Perhaps this explains why the platonic friendship feels kind of unsatisfactory or lacking. Nothing like being a benchwarmer waiting to get in the game.

What are my views? I think that the explanation from “When Harry Met Sally” is the most honest view of this type of situation. Even when your so-called rational thinking mind declares that this is a strictly platonic friendship, there is dark-side of the brain that tells you to take it as far as you can go. All those m4w listings on craigslist’s strictly platonic section? You’re either fooling yourselves or you know the truth.

What about the female friends of mine that might be reading this? If I am keeping a more-than-a-metaphorical-arms-length away from you, it is because I actually do like you in a platonic way and it gets complicated if we get closer than that.

The fact is – any breakup is awkward. Your friends ask you “how is so-and-so doing” or “how come so-and-so isn’t here today” and my nervous eyes pretty much gives myself away even as I am giving a dodgy reply. After a couple of weeks, the awkwardness wears off and it’s much easier to fess up.

In my recent soul-searchings, I came across this:

One who has loved truly, can never lose entirely. Love is whimsical and temperamental. It comes when it pleases, and goes away without warning. Accept and enjoy it while it remains, but spend no time worrying about its departure.

Of all the places to read about love, it’s from a book about making money (Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich). I am amused immensely by the irony of it and most certainly I am uplifted at having read this.

So how am I holding up? I’m doing well, keeping busy. Who knows, I just might put up my “Relationship Status” again on my profile; but it’s gotta be just “Looking for: Friendship” for the next while.

It wouldn’t do any justice to the original post if I am to summarize or even highlight the best parts of it. However, the one that I wished I had when I was younger was the last bit of advice:

Boring, nerdy guys who were dog meat at 15 can be studs at 35. … I never had a single date in high school. I had one girlfriend for a year in University. Ten years later I was beating women off with a stick.

While the delusional part of me want to believe that I am a stud and have always been, the humble rational part of me understands that I have really experienced some pretty drastic personal growth since the time I left university. Remember what I mentioned in my own classic post; always be working on improving yourself.

Being remarkable gives you an advantage, not just in obvious results of better better at what you do. It leads to a snowballing effect of people noticing you and build up a mindshare of your remarkableness. Simply put: being remarkable makes you even more remarkable.

So what kinds of things would make you remarkable? Perhaps you have an amazing career. Or maybe you excel at your hobby. For some women, this means driving a certain type of car (but let’s really not go there, for niceness’s sake). Apparently, my thing is ballroom dancing. Heck, I am not up to Mark Cuban’s level of competitiveness, but I enjoy what I do a whole lot.

One thing I worry about with my blog is being too blah and average. I want to push hard to have something original. Something that is timeless and classic. Something remarkable.

So today, I would like to simply ask the question? Is all this necessary? Why talk-talk-talk when all we want to do is just to get into bed with a woman? Certainly with enough drinks or hormones, it is bound to happen. Heck, with enough cash in the right part of the world, it can happen as often as you like.

I think Peck’s “The Road Less Traveled” has an interesting explanation of the phenomenon. We as humans growing up have ego boundaries. These boundaries can be looked at as our sphere of influence, as well as a forcefield to keep us from harm. When real love develops, it is an enlarging of our boundaries to include the ones we are developing a relationship with. When we are having sex without love (or even the uncontrollable hormonal act of merely falling in love), we are experiencing a “partial and temporary collapse” of our boundaries. Once the physical act is done and we have come to our senses, the boundaries will go back to the way it was and at that point, we will have the OMG-what-the-hell-happened moment.

While Peck appears rather harsh about the idea of falling in love, he speaks the truth: “Falling in love is effortless. … Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. Falling in love is not.”

What does the bases of softball accomplish, in terms of building a relationship? The conversation and discussion needed to “run the bases” are all about getting to know one another better. This ensures that what you are developing is not a bubble that would pop under duress. The taboo discussions of second base is an important mechanism in expanding your boundaries. If you cannot handle difficult conversations in a controlled setting, you are already in trouble.

A real relationship takes effort. Learn to run the bases and work at it.

The quotes and ideas come from the Falling in “Love” chapter of the Love section, of “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck.

Some questions about softball that you might have:

1. You write from a man’s point of view. What do you say about this from a woman’s point of view? I could use more research and focus groups, I suppose.
2. What if I really am not ready for all this brutally honest discussion, especially talking about taboo subjects? Don’t push yourself. In the meantime, have “group dates” and have a safe environment to watch how he or she interacts with you and other people. The book, Kiss Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, has some interesting ideas about this. How will you know when you are ready? You know the saying: love hits you when you least expects it; but, I say that dating readiness is a kind of holistic kind of mental state that is not easy to pinpoint. Yes, you better be mentally healthy. (You have to be crazy to be in love, so who am I to say what’s healthy?) Being single is not a disease; it is just a time in your life where you are working on yourself and becoming a better person.
3. Can’t I just date without leading to a serious relationship? Yes, you can because it’s a free country. However, it is possible that the person you are dating have different ideas. Be clear about your intentions and learn to talk about the relationship. Key phrase is “going out as a friend.”
4. What if I seem to be unable to run the bases? This is usually indicative of both parties not being comfortable with each other to really share and connect. Possible reasons might include:
   • No chemistry. That’s just the way it is sometimes. Just move on.
   • One or both sides have commitment problems. We are not at every point in our adult single life, ready to get hooked up at the drop of a hat. Perhaps there are career or family issues that need to be dealt with. Remember, you too should ask yourself if you are at a point where a relationship would enrich our lives. You need to be functional as a single person, before you can be functional as a couple.
   • (A specific case of a commitment problem) One side is already in a relationship but hasn’t told you. You should just straight up ask if she is single, if you suspect this to be an issue. You can ask this at any point in your interactions. If she asks why, all you need to say is that you want to know and asking the question does not automatically imply anything, even if you are interested in her.
5. How does softball correlate to baseball? If you have ran through the bases of baseball, but not the bases of softball, make sure you go back to have the serious discussions. A relationship that without the backing of commitment and mutual understanding will not lead to happiness. There are always exceptions, but you have to trust me on this one.
6. Now that you’ve given out the secrets of the universe, isn’t that going to mess everybody up? No, because reading about it and doing it are two very different things. If I had a dollar for every person that read Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and did nothing to further their financial independence, I would be richer than Robert Kiyosaki. But then again, that book really didn’t have very much substance, but we’ll get into that in a different post.

One final observation I have about softball: if you are aggressively pursuing, especially in the context of chasing anything in a skirt, then women will notice. This is not attractive. The softball equivalent is swinging at every single ball that comes your way, even if it is clearly not hittable. Being selective is more attractive as it shows your self-control and your higher standards. This doesn’t mean that you should absolutely avoid all interactions with females; it just means that trying too hard all the time is not the right strategy.

Today, let’s start with 2nd base. I defined it as: talking about money, sex, religion, politics and other normally taboo topics. If you’re still a teenager, you’re essentially playing Truth-or-Dare.

This usually starts with one side asking a deeply probing question, of the most taboo variety. For example, the girl might ask something along the lines of, what kind of porn to you prefer to indulge in when you’re on your computer late at night? No freaking way I would answer that, even after a couple of beers. You get the idea.

• Asking and answering these types of the question raises the heart rate. It increases the excitement for both the asker and the answerer.
• It pushes the level of trust and comfort on both sides. This is the mental emotional equivalent of physically getting closer and more intimate.
• It shows your confidence, because you can only talk like this if you are confident about yourself. Or you are totally shameless, but who’s judging anyways?
• This is a lower risk way to see if there is a chance at developing into a serious relationship than straight up asking straight up. If she doesn’t want to ask or answer these types of questions, then she doesn’t want you in the way that you want.
• If you don’t trust her enough to talk this way, then you really don’t trust her. Do not force it if those are your feelings. You have to trust your gut when it comes to these things. (We will cover gut feelings and intuition in future posts.)

Sometimes it is the woman initiating. Sometimes it is the man. The important thing is that you have use your judgement as to when the time is right to get into this type of discussion. You should understand that these are things that you would normally not discuss with just anybody. This is a shortcut path into each other’s trusted inner circle. The proper lingo for this is oversharing and it works wonders.

One thing when you’re doing as you reveal secrets about each other is that both sides have to be totally honest with each other. If you are unable to be truthful with each other, you are going to be in a world of hurt one of these days. Heck, if you are unable to be truthful with yourself, you are already in trouble.

Third base is a natural extension of second base, but it is a very specific line of discussion. The normal rule of never-talking-about-exes is there for normal dates because this kind of talk usually bring back sad and hurt memories. However, if you are going to be involved in a relationship with a person, you have to know where each other is at. Namely, are both of you at a point where you are ready for a relationship? The Truth-or-Dare line of questioning is essentially icebreaking your way to deeper and more serious discussion, of the kind that would lead you to a real relationship.

Specifically, how does one get “on base”? Well, you need to have a comfortable environment so that you can start such a conversation. You know, like, having a date over coffee or dinner. Again, understand that relationship development is really about getting comfortable with each other. The classical rule that first dates should be over coffee may or may not apply depending on your particular situation. It is really just about how you feel.

So how do you know when a girl or guy is interested in you? If you read my post about monitoring and logging, it is just a matter of paying attention to the language, body gestures and reaction that you are getting with your approach: a smile back at you; eye contact for slightly longer than normal; full attention as she listens to you talk; her initiating with questions when a line of conversation comes to a natural end; the emotion on her face; her subtly touching you as you talk. This subject is covered very well and a little google should give you even more ideas. God bless Google.

Classical openers to conversation are complements or questions to figure out if you have anything in common. I am assuming that you know how to start, but Google for “cocky funny” for even more ideas. Remember, what works for someone else might not work quite as well for you. My personal approach is classy gentleman, but I have used cocky-funny on occasion with excellent success.

So what if you like each other? Get the email, cell number or Facebook add. Make a date! Or if you want to play the advanced game, deliberately hold it off but still flirt with her (assuming she’s someone you see on a regular basis). Sometimes, it is good to just practice the pick-up for the sake of practice, even if you don’t expect it to lead to anything serious. You won’t get good at something just by reading about it on the internet; you have to really go out there and try.

I should caution that her showing interest towards you may not automatically mean that you’ve met the love of your life. Perhaps she is already taken but you are charming enough that she cannot help but be attracted. Perhaps she wants to recruit you for her cult. Perhaps she wants you to sign up for a Mastercard. Perhaps she is looking for a platonic guy friend. Maybe she is flirty with all guys by default.

Keep the ladder theory in mind as you do this. If you are already on the “Friend Ladder” as described by the Ladder Theory, then it is not going to go anywhere. If she cares about not hurting your feelings, she will let you know where you stand before things get too far. Another way to know that you are on the Friend Ladder is when you find yourself unable to get further in the softball escalation. The more straightforward way to finding out is just straight up asking, but that tips your hand too early and it could get awkward; it is a risky gambit for various reasons but we will save this for a future post. Then again, nothing wrong with a platonic relationship if that is the expectation (and usually should be the default expectation).

What should you do if she is not reciprocating? Recognize the situation; trying harder won’t work and will make you look desperate (of the creepy scary variety). Maybe you got some broccoli on your teeth or you’re not her type of guy. Maybe she likes your friend more. That’s the way love and life works. Learn from it; get over it; then, prepare yourself for the next attempt.