desperate for change

I came across this best of craigslist item quite a while ago. I reread it now and then to reflect on the wisdom and sanity of the author. This packs more punch per paragraph than any relationship book I’ve ever seen (bestseller books then to be a bit on the fluffy side, IMHO). While the intended audience for this craigslist post is clearly for men, women too will find themselves nodding at the amazing insight.

It wouldn’t do any justice to the original post if I am to summarize or even highlight the best parts of it. However, the one that I wished I had when I was younger was the last bit of advice:

Boring, nerdy guys who were dog meat at 15 can be studs at 35. … I never had a single date in high school. I had one girlfriend for a year in University. Ten years later I was beating women off with a stick.

While the delusional part of me want to believe that I am a stud and have always been, the humble rational part of me understands that I have really experienced some pretty drastic personal growth since the time I left university. Remember what I mentioned in my own classic post; always be working on improving yourself.

How to be remarkable is a timeless post by Seth Godin as mostly advice on how to stand out a bit more at your day job. Some of the advice lends itself naturally to dating and attraction.

Being remarkable gives you an advantage, not just in obvious results of better better at what you do. It leads to a snowballing effect of people noticing you and build up a mindshare of your remarkableness. Simply put: being remarkable makes you even more remarkable.

So what kinds of things would make you remarkable? Perhaps you have an amazing career. Or maybe you excel at your hobby. For some women, this means driving a certain type of car (but let’s really not go there, for niceness’s sake). Apparently, my thing is ballroom dancing. Heck, I am not up to Mark Cuban’s level of competitiveness, but I enjoy what I do a whole lot.

One thing I worry about with my blog is being too blah and average. I want to push hard to have something original. Something that is timeless and classic. Something remarkable.

You may be more familiar with the speed-seduction style of getting physical with a woman, you are probably wondering why shouldn’t everyone just embrace the sophisticated NLP driven technology? Softball theory just seems so old-school by comparison.

So today, I would like to simply ask the question? Is all this necessary? Why talk-talk-talk when all we want to do is just to get into bed with a woman? Certainly with enough drinks or hormones, it is bound to happen. Heck, with enough cash in the right part of the world, it can happen as often as you like.

I think Peck’s “The Road Less Traveled” has an interesting explanation of the phenomenon. We as humans growing up have ego boundaries. These boundaries can be looked at as our sphere of influence, as well as a forcefield to keep us from harm. When real love develops, it is an enlarging of our boundaries to include the ones we are developing a relationship with. When we are having sex without love (or even the uncontrollable hormonal act of merely falling in love), we are experiencing a “partial and temporary collapse” of our boundaries. Once the physical act is done and we have come to our senses, the boundaries will go back to the way it was and at that point, we will have the OMG-what-the-hell-happened moment.

While Peck appears rather harsh about the idea of falling in love, he speaks the truth: “Falling in love is effortless. … Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. Falling in love is not.”

What does the bases of softball accomplish, in terms of building a relationship? The conversation and discussion needed to “run the bases” are all about getting to know one another better. This ensures that what you are developing is not a bubble that would pop under duress. The taboo discussions of second base is an important mechanism in expanding your boundaries. If you cannot handle difficult conversations in a controlled setting, you are already in trouble.

A real relationship takes effort. Learn to run the bases and work at it.

The quotes and ideas come from the Falling in “Love” chapter of the Love section, of “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck.

For the last few posts, I’ve introduced and explored the idea of softball. I propose that besides the escalation in physical intimacy that is described by the baseball metaphor, there is also an escalation of mental intimacy that is described by my softball theory. I have described several scenarios in the context of softball theory and how different types of interactions will lead to a relationship.

Some questions about softball that you might have:

1. You write from a man’s point of view. What do you say about this from a woman’s point of view? I could use more research and focus groups, I suppose.
2. What if I really am not ready for all this brutally honest discussion, especially talking about taboo subjects? Don’t push yourself. In the meantime, have “group dates” and have a safe environment to watch how he or she interacts with you and other people. The book, Kiss Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, has some interesting ideas about this. How will you know when you are ready? You know the saying: love hits you when you least expects it; but, I say that dating readiness is a kind of holistic kind of mental state that is not easy to pinpoint. Yes, you better be mentally healthy. (You have to be crazy to be in love, so who am I to say what’s healthy?) Being single is not a disease; it is just a time in your life where you are working on yourself and becoming a better person.
3. Can’t I just date without leading to a serious relationship? Yes, you can because it’s a free country. However, it is possible that the person you are dating have different ideas. Be clear about your intentions and learn to talk about the relationship. Key phrase is “going out as a friend.”
4. What if I seem to be unable to run the bases? This is usually indicative of both parties not being comfortable with each other to really share and connect. Possible reasons might include:
   • No chemistry. That’s just the way it is sometimes. Just move on.
   • One or both sides have commitment problems. We are not at every point in our adult single life, ready to get hooked up at the drop of a hat. Perhaps there are career or family issues that need to be dealt with. Remember, you too should ask yourself if you are at a point where a relationship would enrich our lives. You need to be functional as a single person, before you can be functional as a couple.
   • (A specific case of a commitment problem) One side is already in a relationship but hasn’t told you. You should just straight up ask if she is single, if you suspect this to be an issue. You can ask this at any point in your interactions. If she asks why, all you need to say is that you want to know and asking the question does not automatically imply anything, even if you are interested in her.
5. How does softball correlate to baseball? If you have ran through the bases of baseball, but not the bases of softball, make sure you go back to have the serious discussions. A relationship that without the backing of commitment and mutual understanding will not lead to happiness. There are always exceptions, but you have to trust me on this one.
6. Now that you’ve given out the secrets of the universe, isn’t that going to mess everybody up? No, because reading about it and doing it are two very different things. If I had a dollar for every person that read Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and did nothing to further their financial independence, I would be richer than Robert Kiyosaki. But then again, that book really didn’t have very much substance, but we’ll get into that in a different post.

One final observation I have about softball: if you are aggressively pursuing, especially in the context of chasing anything in a skirt, then women will notice. This is not attractive. The softball equivalent is swinging at every single ball that comes your way, even if it is clearly not hittable. Being selective is more attractive as it shows your self-control and your higher standards. This doesn’t mean that you should absolutely avoid all interactions with females; it just means that trying too hard all the time is not the right strategy.