desperate for change

It was recently pointed out to me the irony of the title of my blog.

“If you are so desperate for change, how well do you respond to other people trying to change you?”

This was particularly in the context of your significant other.

This is obviously a delicate question. The fact is – I don’t respond very well at all.

The hardest thing in the world to do, is to change somebody. For myself, I automatically detect the change attempt and all kinds of defense mechanisms kick in. As a kid, I hated being told what to do and would prefer to do things myself.

However, there are some legitimate changes that I actually want to do with myself. I have a bunch of “New Year’s Resolutions” that I keep up to date all throughout the year. Wouldn’t someone reminding me about them help me carry these items out?

Ultimately the motivation must come from the inside, not externally. Otherwise, your will to follow through will stop once someone stops reminding you. In fact, you may become annoyed with this person, even though he or she is really trying to help you.

If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.

(That’s a quote from the author of “Le Petit Prince“, Antoine de Saint-Exupery.)

You have to do a root cause analysis to get to your rational for doing what you want to do and change things from the inside out. This is what Anthony Robbins refers to as changing what we link to pain and pleasure. As long as eating junk food gives you pleasure, no amount of nagging will make you think otherwise. Instead, you must link pleasure to eating healthy and link pain to junk food which is filling up your body (or your temple) with filth and garbage.

But back to the original topic – of how I should respond to someone trying to make a change in me. I think that it is important to open your ears to listen (which I do). Then it is necessary to internalize what was said and see if it converts into action.

Easier said than done, haha…

I read a ton of stuff on the Internet. Sometimes something I read clicks with something that comes up in conversation. When the click happens, I can’t remember where I read this and that. But anyways…

The article or blog post that I was reading was talking about how friendships develop. It talks about how when growing up, our friends and social circle is determined by the institutions that we belonged to, namely schools. Whether it be elementary school, high school or university, you make friends with the people in your classes. Your commonality with the friends made in this era was mostly the fact that you take the same bus together and make fun of a certain science teacher.

What happens when you graduate and move on from school? Some friendships can endure the transition and grow together with you. Some friendships grow apart as we all find our own path and institutions.

The article (the reference to which I can’t remember), mentions that as adults, we are and should no longer be bound by our institutions and we should be able to find and keep the friends who we really really like and enjoy, rather than just make friends just based on the circumstances of being in the same math class. I mean, who really enjoys math anyways? Okay I DO I DO, *hand shoots up*. Well, after Computer Science classes that is.

I think that part of growing up and growing old is this natural ebb and flow of people in our lives. In small villages where life is more static, this is less so. But in a modern city, especially with the ever prevalent job-changing (by choice or not), people will come into our lives as well as fade from importance. I personally feel guilty about the latter: suddenly one day you are having coffee in the morning and then you think of someone you haven’t talked to in a long time. Then you suddenly have an awkward feeling about being out of touch for so long. You feel so awkward that you can’t bring yourself to pick up the phone or hit send on the email.

Or at least that’s how I feel.

Now let me tell you what it’s like to be on the receiving end of getting a hello from an old friend who was in town during Christmas. Not only did he say hello, he also had a gift for me to remind me of the old days. I sure miss the hustling and gaming and the many many hi-jinks.

Honestly, I was pretty choked up when I got it. Thanks for remembering.

I must have done something right in my past life.

Step 1: Read GTD the book.

I haven’t gotten around to doing all the things that I should have been doing. I feel like I am on the brink of dropping the ball on something important. Sure, I have my to-do list on my computer but day-to-day, the inertia of having to turn on my computer to look at it is leaving me pretty ineffective.

I think back to when I was in high school: I was getting things done left and right and never felt like I had any “open loops.” I suppose that as a part of becoming an adult, we start to carry more and more projects and responsibilities. The system that worked for me as a student is no longer effective.

If this is the first time you’ve heard about “Getting Things Done,” a quick google should lead you to many praises and props about GTD. I just got the book and I am getting a high just from the thought of getting organized and productive. Maybe I’ll get a little more regular with my blogging again!

(This post has been brought to you by Nissan and the hypercube contest. Please visit my canvas page and give me a vote. Thanks!)

In my previous post, I mentioned that I bought a used car. The timing was such that it coincided with the start of the hypercube contest. I actually didn’t mention what kind of car it was.

AlfredMobile the Second – aka Da Cherry Bomb – aka a red 1998 Honda Prelude (not exactly as pictured; mine is sans mags and sans spoiler.) The major selling point was that it had pretty low kilometres. The draw for me was obviously the bad boy/ricer image associated with driving one of these. The previous owner took good care of it – the only mod on the vehicle was having it lowered. (Heaven forbid the things people do in the name of moding a car.)

The positives: it is red; it has kick when I need it.

The negatives: it only can take premium gasoline which is a whole 12 cents more than regular; it is lowered so i feel every single manhole that I drive over; there is really not much room in the back so this is really a two seater.

You might say – surely Alfred, you’ve considered the consequences of owning this vehicle before you bought it right? Yes, most certainly. It is fun to dress up differently and pretend to be someone else for a while. But at some point you have to realize that you are you. Nothing more, nothing less. If someone is going to judge you based on your ride (or lack thereof), then so be it.

So at this point you might ask: so Alfred, who are you, really? What kind of ride is your kind of ride?

I know for sure that a boring plain vehicle isn’t me; my first car was a plain silver Honda Civic. It is the default ride of choice in Vancouver. I am someone that likes to stand out.

I know that a flashy vehicle isn’t me either; I am a quirky kinda of guy and a beamer doesn’t fit my image.

Shocking to say, but I was having a serious debate about whether I really want to win a Cube or not. This decision will be in the hands of the judges soon – should I win a Cube, I will gladly be selling off the Prelude to a more fitting owner. If I don’t win a Cube, that is fine also – I shall have different kinds of adventures with Cherry Bomb.

But deep deep down, I really want to win a Cube – so that I have a chance to really show off my dance moves at the awards ceremony. Life’s been pretty busy for me during the past month so I haven’t had a chance to do a better dance video; but I definitely haven’t slacked off with the classes taught by the best salsa teacher in Vancouver.

I’ve got something else to say about this contest: I am an introvert, through and through. While I am able to talk to random strangers (as seen in my hypercube promo video), it really is out of character for me. I am more at ease browsing books at the library than mingling at a party. For the sake of the contest, I thought about just flipping over to being a “crazy” extrovert, running down streets harassing random people but you know what? That just isn’t me at all. Or minimally it would take about three drinks before that happens. (PS don’t drink and drive.)

I merely will give you, the hypercube judges, plain old Alfred: likes to read, likes to dance (but hates to ask girls to the dance floor), probably more quirky than cool, is friendly but tend to enjoy peace and quiet, has some computer skills but not the kind you can use to make groovy graphics. I think that trying to pretend to be someone else for the last while has been fun, but I am just me and I am cool with that.