desperate for change

It was recently pointed out to me the irony of the title of my blog.

“If you are so desperate for change, how well do you respond to other people trying to change you?”

This was particularly in the context of your significant other.

This is obviously a delicate question. The fact is – I don’t respond very well at all.

The hardest thing in the world to do, is to change somebody. For myself, I automatically detect the change attempt and all kinds of defense mechanisms kick in. As a kid, I hated being told what to do and would prefer to do things myself.

However, there are some legitimate changes that I actually want to do with myself. I have a bunch of “New Year’s Resolutions” that I keep up to date all throughout the year. Wouldn’t someone reminding me about them help me carry these items out?

Ultimately the motivation must come from the inside, not externally. Otherwise, your will to follow through will stop once someone stops reminding you. In fact, you may become annoyed with this person, even though he or she is really trying to help you.

If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.

(That’s a quote from the author of “Le Petit Prince“, Antoine de Saint-Exupery.)

You have to do a root cause analysis to get to your rational for doing what you want to do and change things from the inside out. This is what Anthony Robbins refers to as changing what we link to pain and pleasure. As long as eating junk food gives you pleasure, no amount of nagging will make you think otherwise. Instead, you must link pleasure to eating healthy and link pain to junk food which is filling up your body (or your temple) with filth and garbage.

But back to the original topic – of how I should respond to someone trying to make a change in me. I think that it is important to open your ears to listen (which I do). Then it is necessary to internalize what was said and see if it converts into action.

Easier said than done, haha…

I came across this particularly insightful essay entitled “Social tips for geeks.” I am not insulted at all because this is something I can improve on. In fact, I am quite surprised at the accurate observations.

I love item #4.

Try to talk as little as possible, and when you do speak, only ask superficial questions

Given how I feel about small talk, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to do it just to make everyone feel comfortable. Especially when I bump into the sales guys in the office kitchen.

I don’t think that I was always like this. I swear I was much friendlier and outgoing back in high school than I am these days, despite my nerdy interests like reading, computers and chess. Somewhere along the way I developed this mildly anti-social interaction patterns.

By the way if you enjoyed that particular essay by the author Philip Guo, he has a whole bunch of other wonderful gems:

Attention: Overbearing Asian Parents – There are actually quite a few more posts on his website about this subject.

Some tips for life – All the things I wonder about life in one convenient serving.

Types of Friends – If I blow you off, it’s cause you’re lower on the totem pole. Sorry. This is a pretty taboo topic to be writing about if you think about it.

I like the preciseness of the writing, probably because of my nerdy academic background. And I like how he goes right into tacking some pretty difficult subjects such as the ones in the articles I picked out. I may not wish to write in his style, but one day, I sure would like to be able to write with as much impact as he has.

Here are the results from my survey:
http://alfredpang.com/2009/12/how-many-bank-accounts/

I know I don’t have many readers; combined with the fact that most people are kind of private about their finances, I am pleased with my 3 entries for the informal survey. I also received some private emails and communications regarding this particular subject.

Despite what the experts are saying, I am feeling that most couples are running things with one shared account.

In the case where it is NOT one shared account, there is a gamut of different ways to structure the finances – mainly to ensure that things are fair for both husband and wife.

If you get married, how do you want your finances to be arranged?

• one shared account
• two separate accounts
• one shared account, and two personal accounts (3 accounts)

I recently conducted an informal survey among recently married couples and people at various stages of relationships. The majority prefer and are using the one shared account system. This has been the traditional way of organizing finances and is simplest. The “downside” is that you have to trust that your partner is adult enough not to empty the account and put it on red at the roulette table.

In my recent search for popular advice on this subject, the experts seem to be recommending the 3 accounts system, implemented in a transparent fashion. That is, even if the two personal accounts are to be used by each person as they see fit, the amount of money going into these accounts would be known by both parties. I think that this advice mostly grew out of the divorce rate that we have been observing for the last few decades.

Perhaps I am being exceptionally naive in my list of options. What should happen in the two accounts, 50/50 expenses situation if the wife gets pregnant? What about changes in the job situation? The one account setup is superior in handling these exceptional, yet typical, situations.

If you are keen, please fill out my survey. Thanks!